A Little Bit Stronger
by Anonymistress
Summary: Amethyst made a horrible mistake. Now she's willing to do anything to fix it... And when a triangle approaches her with an offer, how can she say no?
1. Chapter Zero: The Prologue

It was my fault that Sapphire died, all those years ago. I'm reminded of it whenever I look at the Temple Door - where her gem used to glow.

Ruby doesn't talk to me. Sapphire's death has made her humble, and quiet. She talks to us only when she has to, and never fuses with any of us.

Sapphire's death was a curse upon all of us - now we all have her gift of future vision. If I had it back then, I would have known. I would have been able to save her, even if it was my own expense. Even if it shattered me instead. The world would be a better place that way. They would be happier.

Sapphire didn't die a hero. She didn't save anyone. It was directly my fault, me saving my own self instead of her. Steven knows that. He still talks to me, but it's never the same.

I wish I could go back. If I trained more, if I was just a little bit stronger...

[Present Day]  
"Hey, Amethyst! What are you up to?" Steven asked excitedly.

I shrugged. "Just playing chess with Pearl..." And letting her win, as I always did. I knew she was really annoyed by that, but I couldn't find it in me to defeat her.

The warp pad chimed, and Ruby appeared on it. She waved to Steven. She didn't even look at me or Pearl as she entered her room. I sighed, that was normal, too.

I got up. "Steven, can you finish up my game? I'll be back in the morning." I went to my room. I spend so much time in here now - just feeling guilty and weak. Steven and Pearl try so hard to get my spirits up again, but it's impossible to forget what I've done. And it's impossible to forgive what I've done.

So I took a nap, in my favorite pile of garbage, while feeling like I was my worst.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.


	2. Chapter One - The Dream

The same dream, every time I slept, after that horrible event.

It was real. The memory. It started off the same - we were in the ship, fighting Jasper. She struck a horrible blow, jabbing Garnet right in the chest. The two gems fell to the floor. The ship was exploding all around us - everything started burning. I panicked. I started running away, because I had fought the orange gem before - I would never win. I glanced behind me - and saw Sapphire's gem shatter in Jasper's hand. Ruby had reformed in time to see it too - and she was dumbfounded by the sight of it. I didn't say a word to her, I just continued running. Running until I got to Steven, to safety. Ruby was right behind me.

"Where's Sapphire?" he asked, in that innocent way he did. I didn't know what to say. I just started tearing up, right there, right in front of everyone. Ruby knew, but didn't say anything. Steven protected all of us.

I must have fallen asleep, in the memory, because when I woke up, I was at the Temple. Everyone was looking at me with disgust.

That was normally where the nightmare ended. Sometimes they'd say something to me -

"You could have done better."

"You're so weak."

"Why couldn't you have been a little bit stronger?"

But this time, it wasn't like that at all. I woke up, not in the Temple, but in a place I had never been before - the stars. They were all around me, beautiful and shining. And there was something that was not a star, floating in front of me. It was a yellow triangle. I wanted to ask, what it was doing here, why it was in this dream. But I woke up before a word could be said.

I went throughout my day normally - going out, to pacify Steven and Pearl, to pretend I was okay. I guess I was guilty of being silent to - I never told them about the dreams I had, never told them about the guilt I felt. Maybe they could see it in my eyes. Maybe that's why I always saw pity when I looked in theirs.

I ran into Ruby once again. She said nothing to me, didn't look at me. I did something unprecedented - I talked to her. "I'm sorry."

She stopped, and looked straight at me. "Sorry doesn't change anything. It doesn't change that you _murdered_ her." And she kept walking.

Look, I tried. No one can say that I didn't. And what did it get me? No two sentences ever hurt more than those two did.

Nothing could fix what I had done. People were too polite to say that to me, but I could see it in their eyes, the way they talked, the way they acted.

Steven was there when I told Ruby sorry. I looked at him when she walked away. He was staring at me, with pity in his gaze.

"And what are you looking at?" I asked, and he responded to that by looking away in shame.

Which only made me feel worse. Not only was I murderer, I was a jerk, too.


	3. Chapter Two - The Change

earl finally talked to me for real today. She said, "Amethyst, I know you're upset... But you don't have to take it out on Steven."

She didn't get it. Nobody got it. I wasn't upset at them... I was upset at myself. And that wasn't going to change anytime soon. I had let someone die, and they wanted me to forget it?

Steven tried cheering me up another way - working out, at the gym. I couldn't explain to him that wasn't the way I wanted to be strong - everything was easy for me there. I wanted to be strong in the real way, the heroic way. The sacrificial way.

I had the dream again last night. It was different though, than the night before. The triangle talked to me, without a mouth. I suppose things in dreams are different.

It said it understood what I was going through, and it wanted to help. I told it to buzz off, I didn't need anyone's help. I need to get through this on my own, I said.

It asked why.

I didn't have a good answer, so I just showed it my favorite finger.

I can't let anyone help me or cheer me up. Being happy would be like a crime. Someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy.

The dream ended when I flipped the bird. I'm starting to wonder about my dreams - they seem so realistic. But it's impossible for a creature like that to exist in reality.

Steven's not letting me into my room anymore. He sends me on errands, and Pearl sends me on missions. I guess they need other ways to feel good without having to see me around. They never come with me. Or try to talk to me. I guess they've given up too.


	4. Chapter Three - The Party

They threw a party for me. Invited everyone in town.

Well, it wasn't really for me, not officially, anyway. But Pearl and Steven were trying pretty hard to get me to enjoy it. Ruby ignored me the entire time. Maybe she wasn't even there - I didn't see her even once.

They never let me go to my room. Not once, not until the last guest had gone home. I hated every second of it - all the people, all the noise. If they wanted to make me happy, they could just have let me had the day off.

Anyway. I had another dream. The triangle was there again. But something was different.

"I can really help you," he said. "If you just let me, I can turn back time, and you can defeat Jasper, save Sapphire. Amethyst, I'm offering exactly what you want."

I didn't know how he knew those names. I never told him anything. I don't trust him one bit - but I didn't have a lot of options. I asked him what he wanted. He wouldn't do it for free, would he?

He said, to that, "I need to borrow your body. I'll give it back when my part of the deal is done."

I told him I'd think about it. I wasn't that desperate for change.

How could him being in my body make me even a little bit stronger?

Ugh. I didn't know. I didn't _want_ to know.

But the strange thing was, with Sapphire's vision, I couldn't see him in it. I could only see pain and misery, for the rest of my life.

What a cold, dark world we live in.

And it's all my fault.


	5. Chapter Four - The Deal

My day wasn't important. No, not important at all. Just another day, where Steven and Pearl tried, and Ruby didn't.

She'll never forgive me.

Even Steven hasn't forgiven me.

But that doesn't matter now.

I decided to go take the triangle's deal. And then, almost immediately, I had the dream again.

But this time, instead of running, letting Sapphire get shattered, I ran in front of the gems. I felt like I wasn't in my body - I was floating, just a little bit away from my body. My eyes looked all wrong. Something was definitely off.

"You won't be able to defeat Garnet when she reforms again." said my physical form, with that triangle's voice. "Maybe I could help you."

My plan had backfired - in the worst of ways. Jasper and I ran off together, leaving Ruby and Sapphire behind. They reformed, as I watched, and watched me run off. Now I wasn't a coward, but a traitor. It was worse, but better - at least I didn't have Sapphire's blood on my hands.

I floated up to my form. "This wasn't a part of the deal, Cipher!" I said, staring at him, pleading.

"On the contrary. I saved Sapphire!" He called back.

"Give me my body back!" I demanded.

He laughed. "I haven't defeated Jasper yet. I said I'd give you this body back once I defeated her!"

I felt sick. I had screwed everything up. It was impossible to know what would happen now, with Sapphire's vision gone. I... I went back to the others, who were discussing my betrayal. I called to them, saying it wasn't me - and a mocking voice told me that they couldn't hear me without a vessel.

I returned to Jasper and my possessed form, to find they had safely located an escape pod - and escaped before it blew up.

Leaving Lapis inside. Jasper and Lapis wouldn't fuse into Malachite now. Another thing.

And now Sapphire and Lapis would be left with the Crystal Gems... Instead of me.

I cursed the world. Cursed that deal. Now they'd only think less of me...


End file.
